decision!

what did i decide today:

- every 2 weeks i lower my activity on facebook with 50 % - i need to not keep myself distracted

- i will read 3 books by the end of the month when i get to romania

- i will update myself on what is happening in ro - i realized that i lost the reality

- i will study norwegian once a week

- i will by 2 types of magazines : the eternal fashion one and the economist or any other magazine with the same topics

- i will respect the deadlines:)))

- i will prepare myself for what i need to do for school before going to ro

- i will start reading more about marketing

- i will read at least 3 newsletters about economics per day that i get in my inbox

- i will stop thinking about the past and asking myself what if

- i will stop waiting and i will just go with the flow and let myself loose

- i will be patient and curios - ask a lot of questions

- i will keep in touch with my dear people

Well, that should be it. It's quite a lot, probably for more than one month. But for the beginning i will try to see how it works.

keep your fingers crossed for me:)

the thin line...

it's all about questions...

why do people react in a way, in another way or they don't react at all?

how can people that loved each other at one point can hate each other? is it actually hate or is a protection of actually trying to keep yourself far away from getting hurt?

why aren't we able to stop searching for answers and just go on? why are we in desperate need in asking ourselves questions, giving the answers by ourselves and having the conclusions also by ourselves. And we start believing in that answer. But what is the actual reality? Can we discover it and just say at one point : "everything is clear to me now" or "i have the answer" or we actually may never find it?

How can we believe in this fake answers, that we give to ourselves? And then we start protecting ourselves of the reality.

And in the end, a fake answer to our questions can tear us apart from the people we usually loved?

How is it possible that from love you go to hate? Or actually you are never there...it's only the window that goes up against the other people that you know they have the power to hurt you.

Cum poate sa iti fie dor dar in acelasi timp sa urasti?

where is the line between love and hate?

...

today was a good day for everything:) almost...

Well, proud of myself today. Managed to finish my "to do" list for the entire day:) well, almost 90% of it. Still much more then other days:)

After that, I had my first day at the gym and my legs are completely numb. Objective reached:) Since I crashed( not that bad, but quite random) with my bike I stopped biking for the past 2 weeks. And going to the gym now, it's exactly what I needed for this day to be exactly how it should be.

Coming home and finish cooking my amazing new type of rice and I would say that is a success also.

And during this day, everything was completely inspiring with some amazing TED talks that I enjoyed a lot.

So, bottom line, this day was a good day for everything. It was a complete success.

So, then, why do I feel alone at the end of the day? I didn't managed to actually have a real conversation with anyone today, I was lost in my own world, with my mp3 and my computer and my objectives.

If I managed to fulfill everything for today and reached all my objectives, then why do I feel incomplete? Feel that something is missing...So, probably life it's not all about the objectives that I set, not all about work, not all about me, not all about random and meaningless stuff.

It's more then that. The only thing is that usually we realize when it's to late to change something. When we already made mistakes. When we already hurt the people around us. And I realized it also so late, I needed 3 years to get here and understand what it's actually important in your life: friends, family and someone to love and love you back, and of course in your professional life to do something you like and enjoy. Beyond this, the other things that you need are a consequence and come along, the others, will never come.

But who needs them in the end?

When is the moment when I will feel, but above this, feel complete?

1 second...

What do we do with one second in our life?

How serious do we take what we do every second? Well I don't think we should, because then we will never let ourselves free, we will never feel spontaneous or never be surprised.

I'm usually a person that though it's a bit unstructured, I try to analyze and organize everything in my mind, for me to make sense.

And since I arrived to Norway, I analyzed my life, myself, my thoughts, my ideas, my dreams so much because there is a need for some answers.

And sometimes, you think so much about it, you put so much effort in it, but at one point...in 1 second..you got your answer.

It can be a small, situation, a friend that said something, a person that does something, an article you read...everything has an answer somewhere around us. And brings me back to life, reality and with the feet on the ground.

so, what can we do in one second? Blink, hear a sound, move, breathe, touch something, break something, look somewhere else, love, cry, think, smile, imagine, change our life.

Maybe scientific, this things can be done in more or less then one second. But, the question comes when you feel that there is that ONE second that changes your life forever...

There is only one second, when you feel that something is changed, that your life is in another direction, with other people, other place in the world, other feelings.

Does that second comes alone, or it is the result of more past activities we do?

Do we take full responsibility of the result or we blame others?

Do we ignore the second and continue to be stupid or start being realistic?

Do we open our eyes to see ?

Do we run from it or face it no matter the result?

Are we stuck in the second and want to have it back over and over or we accept it and move on?

What do we remember from that moment: the actual rational thought or the feeling?

Well, in the end the smallest thing that happens can change our lives for ever. But isn't this only the result of past actions? actions that bring us to that last moment when we have our answer no matter what?

But when the answer comes, we are sometimes happy or sometimes sad. We need to just take it, breathe in and keep walking.

In the end, why you are not happy? You got your answer, in one second. I got mine today, on facebook. Thank you...

crystallized...

In front of myself, in front of my own decisions. Face to face with insecurity.

I never thought i would be so into it and hurt myself so much. I never thought i will let this happen to me anymore. I thought I decided to stop and put a window in front of myself: you can see through but that's it, you can never touch anything behind the window in any way.

Behind the window it was a stone. A big stone that never showed any emotions, any pain or any sign of weakness. And with the window in front it was perfect.

It is far. It is breakable. It is a stupid decision. It is fucking hard. It shows me that the window had some problems. Because it broke down. It is not there anymore. And I realized it today.

And when the window is broken everything comes to you directly and you have to face everything.

Is the world crystallized or me?

povesti frumoase...

Ultimele luni au fost exact cum nu mi-as fi imaginat. Incredibile. Am descoperit oameni, am descoperit bucurii alaturi de @ no, am descoperit tara asta incredibila, am descoperit limite personale, am gasit idei, am descoperit o persoana draga, am descoperit timpul.

M-am descoperit pe mine, increderea in mine,inima, copilul din mine, emotia si sentimentul de bucurie si zambet sincer. Mi-am luat timp sa ma opresc si sa ma gandesc la ceea ce sunt, ceea ce fac, unde ma indrept, ce imi doresc, cum vreau sa fiu, ce ma bucura, ce nu. Nu am mai alergat si am inceput sa merg. Si merg mai departe. Vreau sa descoper viata cu tot ceea ce poate sa imi ofere, vreau sa cunosc oameni si sa ma cunosc pe mine prin ei, vreau sa pastrez frumusetea lucrurilor si oamenilor din jurul meu.

Te-am descoperit pe tine si pe voi. Si vreau sa pastrez lucrurile asa frumoase cum sunt acum. Inocente ca un copil, proaspete ca frunzele de primavara, albe ca primii fulgi de nea, stralucitoare ca soarele de dimineata si pline de emotie exact ca atunci cand vezi persoana care te face fericita.

Uneori ma gandesc ca daca lucrurile merg bine, undeva trebuie sa mearga prost. Si cine stie unde merge prost de fapt. Mama si prietenii sunt cei pe care i-am lasat in urma...de la ceea ce am plecat ca sa descoper noi orizonturi s-ar putea sa aiba nevoie de mine...

zi cu soare si sperante..

in the end, what makes you happy?

I spend my past years in denying what are the things that make you move, the things that make you feel alive, the things that make your heart and soul smile from deep inside.

Being sure that choosing the easiest path would not bring so many obstacles and things that are planned and structured, in the end will happen as they are on the paper.

But sometimes, something or someone shakes your entire believes, principles and the way how you were planning your life.

It takes only one minute, one day, one month to realize that maybe things are not happening as planned. As you were expecting them to be.

I asked myself so many times if it’s worth it? If being emotionally involved in something that it’s not certain, that doesn’t offer you security will actually bring that fairly small but so significant back in your life? If passing by like it never happened it’s the best decision? If giving a chance when in the end you’ll never know who is going to get hurt and hoping that it’s not you?

But in the end, the answer to these questions is far from having it.

Then, what do you choose? To pass by asking yourself “what if”?

Or you are going to throw yourself in something where you might not have a safety net?

Is the women of today more professional involved but less emotional ? but, mostly why are we becoming like this? What is the need that we, ourselves are trying to fulfill when we change our options?

And, on long term? What is the result ? are we satisfied?

are you realizing what you get yourself into?

During the past 2 weeks my life changed with some small details in a way that i wasn't expected.

Still, there is one specific thing that I wanted for myself:

- discover myself and learn to trust myself

In the past 2 weeks I actually got some of the things that I wanted to get: challenges to learn more about myself and people around that care about me.

But still feels like this is not good. Because when you get what you want, you actually get more questions and maybe get more hurt if the end result of what you do it's not actually what you were expecting for.

Why do people want so many things but in the end if they get them, they realize that maybe it's much more harder to handle them, than they thought?

Why do I find myself in a place where I knew what i want and when I get it, I don't feel secure anymore about it?

Is it actually fair to be insecure about your wishes after you get them? or maybe it's because you get more insecure about the future and how to develop that wish?

Are we just finding a way to be critical, to complain and to find flaws in everything that happens?

For now I'll take a decision: stop complaining and enjoying the challenges that I get. For sure something good with get out of it:)

my new life:)

Today we got to helsinki. My expectations where a bit low, also for the city because I didn't heard so many good reviews about it. But I was quite impressed, probably because there was also sunny:)

had such a nice evening with my team and with people from Iceland and also Heini. Playing hide and seek and I remembered what it means to be a child. No problems, no crazy thoughts, no obstacles and everything seems so easy.

This blog was always about cheering myself up, and searching for motivation when I felt that it was quite lost. Quite a lot of times sad, but at the end of each post I feel that I know what I should do next and to solve the situation.

Even though I had one of my crazy weeks since I'm in Norway, but I felt so alive and I started to see my life in front of my eyes.

I realized that the past is the past, the memories are the ones that I keep close, but in the same time I move on with my life.

I think I'm quite crazy because I keep having this feelings that I'm not balanced with my life and I really try.

It's nice to enjoy a small acomplishment and I think that this week, even though was a crazy one, I had a better balance that I used to have in this kind of situations before.

My life is different now, with different people and with a different future. Never see myself coming back home,but traveling for the next years and giving myself the balance that I need.

No lies, no fear, no fooling myself or the others and more trust in myself. That should be it.

I know that when I will stop writing on this blog, most probably all this things I achieved.:) Soon:)

Life is crap sometimes. Then I go to sleep.

Well, there are those fucking crazy moments when you believe that everything is upside down and nothing is going right.

Usually when this happen, I like to go to sleep even though I'm not actually doing that. Why?

Because I always thought that after I sleep all the problems and crazy stuff go away and things come back to normal and it's a new day with new problems;)

The surprise was actually when I discovered that even though I went to sleep, the problems come back. Silly me, I always know that but probably I'm the person that hopes that the end will be exactly how it should be. Disappointing when this is not actually true.

Sometime I consider myself as a naive person. Well, I actually am. Or probably not realistic when it's needed and loose myself in thoughts and people.

Since I'm in Norway I start to analyze myself quite a lot and my experiences in the past year. Quite a surprise when I actually realized that I changed! The thing is that now I'm in the process of analyzing whether it's good or bad. Or just normal.

So things that I should promise myself to do, because I get lost in all the problems and responsibilities and forget about me. Shit, it happens so often.

so: 1 . trust myself..i usually trust myself in things that i have experience in..but not good, this should change. and starting with now, it will change.
2. read - an objective that stays for quite some time in my mind and feel that i don't do any progress at all. well, starting with now it will change.
3. finish what you started. i have this crazy fear that usually if i don't start something on time i'm not able to do it anymore perfect. bullshit. not true. so this fear should go away.
4. let things come naturally - force it when it's not working it's not a good strategy to get what you wish. if you try, and you try and you try and still things don't work, let them go.
5. get to know new people and keep in contact with dear friends. that's simple. talk with new people and don't forget about your friends that are in this big world.
6. be curios.

kind of a lot...6 things on the list is hard to focus on because there are too many.

but, in the end this is something that for sure will make me better tomorrow than today.

so, this time I'll not go to sleep but I'll see things from outside of the circle.

Raluca

What you really need...

Sometimes you realize that there is something missing through out your chaotic life. But in the end is the moment that counts. Perfect moment, perfect persons and the final piece of the puzzle completes the middle of the entire picture. It's there somewhere, but usually comes at the right moment. Probably it's not right now. But make sure that it will not pass you by.

Until then my words are lost in lyrics...

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent”

Raluca

in my own hands

My heart is in another place right now. In Oslo.:)Writing this lines at my laptop in my new apartment.

Usually things that happen to us can be put in so few words or in numbers.

My life in numbers:

3 & 1/2

365

1

4

45

2

For 3 weeks and a half I've been in Oslo and left my Bucharest and my romanian life. For something challenging and different. To become a better person in what I do, to define myself, to define my direction, my path.

My life in the past 3 weeks is completely different than I expected. In a better way actually. I feel safe here, I feel more courageous, I feel more independent and different. In the same time, I miss my dear friends and my life back home. Even though it's been so few weeks I feel that is quite far away. And I'm afraid to loose what i had before, I'm afraid to get lost in this chaotic life that i choose to have. Because in the end it's only me with myself, and I afraid not to lose me from myself.

For 365 days i will be in Norway, Oslo for AIESEC in Norway. Simple as that. 365 from my life will be in a different world, with different people, with a complete different experience.

1 AIESEC in Norway, that I strive for, to make it better and successful.

4 great people that i met and today i realized that i work with them, spend my time with them and live together. That's a bit strange for me, because the persons that i share my life with are so few and not even them know me so well, because i don't let people to get to know me so well. I'm quite curios how is it going to be this year. Actually i'm quite confident. I feel so good with all of them because we work good together, we have fun together , we help each other and we are becoming friends, not only colleague from work.

45 B is the number of street of my new apartment, where I learn how to live on my own, to have my life in my own hands and to discipline myself and my life.

2 person that i really miss. My mom that is waiting home and my dad that is somewhere next to me:)

My great friends from home that are spreading their wings and choosing their path in their life. Sometimes I feel that we grow up so fast that we don't have time to enjoy the things around us and we go into the real life and things are changing and will never be the same again.

Mixed feelings in my heart and hard to define myself right now. But I'm on the right track. :)

Now i'm going to watch some movie with my friends.

Raluca

8 zile pentru 365

Jur ca ma simt atat de ciudat zilele astea...le numar in fiecare zi. Si ma gandesc daca am luat cea mai buna decizie. Desi in adancul sufletului eu stiu ca e cea mai buna, desi doare atat de tare.

Si de cateva zile dorm atat de greu, si ma gandesc la atatea lucruri si incerc sa cuprind totul din jurul meu. Si ma gandesc ce ar fi daca. Stiu ca nu e bine. Dar asta simt. Si simt ca las atat de multe lucruri aici, si ca plec atat de departe. Intr-un loc complet necunoscut, in fata mea cu cele mai necunoscute lucruri dar cu acele certitudini pe care acum le am, care, s-ar putea, peste un an sa nu mai fie aici.

Deja imi e dor. Si vreau sa opresc timpul in loc. Sa pastrez lucrurile alea frumoase, sa imi simt prietenii aproape. Sa fiu cu sufletul si cu inima aici.

Imi e asa de frica. Imi e frica sa uit de cele doua lucruri pe care mi le doream din suflet sa nu le pierd: prietenii mei( pe care i-am tot neglijat in ultimii ani, si in ultimele luni am incercat sa recuperez) si faptul ca vreau sa ma indragostesc. De ce as vrea asta? Dar este unul din lucrurile pe care le-am pierdut din vedere de-a lungul anilor care au trecut si nu as vrea sa fac asta si anul urmator. Desi ma las dusa de val, sa vad ce se poate intampla.

Dar astea sunt doua lucruri pe care mi le doream sa nu le pierd in anul urmator. Si atunci, de ce simt ca le pierd?

E asa de greu de crezut ca plec pentru un an de aici.

Este destul de multa ceata in fata, si nu stiu exact unde ma indrept. Ma pierd si simt ca ceva se pierde din mine. Si totusi neg realitatea. Si ma tin strans de radacini, nu vreau sa le dau drumul. Si ma caut. Sa ma regasesc pe mine. Sunt intr-o zona de insecuritate acum. O simt de cateva zile. pana acum o saptamana nu era asa.

Oare ce va fi? Uneori imi doresc sa vad asta macar pentru o secunda...

Dar orice ar fi, eu stiu ca asa e cel mai bine. Simt ca e cea mai buna decizie. Oare?

"I don't believe in love but I want to be there when it happens." Written on Motoare somewhere lost on a wall. If you see it let me know:)

That's it. Simple and concrete.

Raluca

Un nou inceput...curand

Desi am promis ca anul asta o sa scriu mai mult, nu am facut-o. Am promis ca acest blog o sa il pastrez doar pentru sentimentele pe care le am, pentru experientele faine pe care le traiesc si pentru a asterne intr-un loc anii astia frumosi pe care ii traiesc. Cred ca anul care a trecut a fost atat de bogat in sentimente si experiente ca mi-a fost frica sa le scriu intr-un loc si nu mi-am facut nici timp pentru asta.

Ieri am avut o zi extraordinara - am primit o invitatie de chair la o conferinta in Germania. Mi s-a parut atat de tare si asa m-am bucurat de oportunitatea asta. Desi nu cred ca o pot onora pentru ca o sa am examene in perioada aceea dar mai am o zi in care o sa ma gandesc ce fac. AIESEC intotdeauna ma surprinde:)

Zilele trec atat de repede si incep sa ma tem. Pentru ca mi-am promis la un moment dat ca orice as face in anul urmator, nu o sa imi las oamenii dragi, departe de mine. Si decizia de a veni acasa doar o singura data in anul urmator cu siguranta va face ca distanta sa fie si mai mare.

Si simt ca o sa fiu departe. Nu este acelasi lucru sa vorbesti pe mess, sau pe gtalk decat atunci cand iesi in oras cu prieteni dragi, razi si discuti despre toate prostiile din lume.

Si ma simt ciudat. Cu toate problemele de la scoala pe care le am de rezolvat, mai imi iau gandul de la ce ar trebui sa se intample in urmatoarele saptamani. Dar incepe sa imi fie frica. Nu stiu ce ma asteapta acolo, nu stiu ce ma asteapta in urmatorii ani. Pentru prima data, simt ca viata mea incepe sa se schimbe, sa mearga intr-o alta directie. Incep sa imi doresc alte lucruri, sa fac altceva si sa descoper necunoscutul.

Imi e frica sa ma rup de realitatea in care traiesc, pentru ca asta este ceea ce ma defineste in momentul asta. Imi e frica sa intru intr-o alta realitate. Sa fiu o straina intr-o lume pe care nu o cunosc si pe care nu o simt aproape. Uneori imi e frica sa risc. Desi, cred ca mai am timp sa ma decid care este momentul in care o sa risc tot si o sa vad unde ma poarta realitatea.

...

Noi sentimente

Acasa...

Ce saptamani in care am fost prinsa intre 2 realitati, intre viitor si prezent, intre oameni pe care ii ador si oameni pe care invat sa ii ador, pe care ii descopar.

As vrea sa pastrez cu mine sentimentele pe care le simt, sa am in inima toate lucrurile frumoase si sa citesc fericirea pe fetele celorlalti oricand ma uit la ei.

Am fost in Norvegia. A fost diferit, altfel dar sincer am avut un sentiment ca va fi un an frumos si am avut sentimentul ca e locul potrivit sa fiu anul urmator acolo. Si de abia astept sa vad cum o sa fie.

M-am intors innebunita cu bagaje de la aeroport, am fugit sa ii iau cadou lui Mada si apoi am fugit spre takeover multumita unei persoane dragi mie, careia ii multumesc ca a stiut sa fie langa mine cand eu nu stiam ca am nevoie de cineva langa mine.

Takeoverul, care de fapt nu il vad ca o predare de mandat de la EB la EB ci ca un ramas bun catre AIESEC Bucuresti, locul care efectiv m-a crescut si din nimic m-a facut ce sunt acum.

E greu, e mai greu sa lasi un lucru care inseamna incredibil de mult pentru tine, decat orice alt lucru care crezi tu ca dificil.

Sentimentul ala cand stai in sala, te uiti la oameni si iti trec prin minte ultimii 3 ani si jumtate petrecuti in AIESEC, iti trec prin minte oamenii care te-au schimbat, oamenii care au fost alaturi, iti trec prin minte momentele grele in care simteai ca nu mai poti, momentele fericite in care zambeai si stiai ca orice ar fi, lucrurile au un drum al lor. Iti trec prin minte cei mai frumosi ani din viata ta de pana acum. Evit sa zic, "din toata viata mea" pentru ca stiu ca voi avea ani incredibili iar daca nu, ii voi face eu. Ca lumea va fi un loc incredibil si provocator si voi fi fericita.

Tot timpul simt nevoia sa multumesc oamenilor pentru ca stiu ca nimic nu pot face singura si atat de recunoscatoare sunt celor care m-au ajutat sa devin ceea ce sunt, sa fie alaturi de mine in momentele in care nici eu nu stiam ca am nevoie de ei.

Si sunt linistita. Pentru ca sunt mandra de echipa mea, de ceea ce ei au devenit, sunt mandra de ceea ce lasam in urma si mandra ca stim sa muncim in fiecare zi pentru ceea ce ne dorim.

Si sentimentul ala pe care il ai cand te uiti la o sala incredibil de mare care cuprinde trecutul si prezentul este unic. Si cum intotdeauna AIESEC te surprinde in sentimente, asa m-a surprins si acum. Cu un sentiment nou pe care il voi pastra cu mine intotdeauna.

Mult succes AIESEC Bucuresti! Ai toata increderea mea!

Intotdeauna a ta,

Raluca