are you realizing what you get yourself into?

During the past 2 weeks my life changed with some small details in a way that i wasn't expected.

Still, there is one specific thing that I wanted for myself:

- discover myself and learn to trust myself

In the past 2 weeks I actually got some of the things that I wanted to get: challenges to learn more about myself and people around that care about me.

But still feels like this is not good. Because when you get what you want, you actually get more questions and maybe get more hurt if the end result of what you do it's not actually what you were expecting for.

Why do people want so many things but in the end if they get them, they realize that maybe it's much more harder to handle them, than they thought?

Why do I find myself in a place where I knew what i want and when I get it, I don't feel secure anymore about it?

Is it actually fair to be insecure about your wishes after you get them? or maybe it's because you get more insecure about the future and how to develop that wish?

Are we just finding a way to be critical, to complain and to find flaws in everything that happens?

For now I'll take a decision: stop complaining and enjoying the challenges that I get. For sure something good with get out of it:)

my new life:)

Today we got to helsinki. My expectations where a bit low, also for the city because I didn't heard so many good reviews about it. But I was quite impressed, probably because there was also sunny:)

had such a nice evening with my team and with people from Iceland and also Heini. Playing hide and seek and I remembered what it means to be a child. No problems, no crazy thoughts, no obstacles and everything seems so easy.

This blog was always about cheering myself up, and searching for motivation when I felt that it was quite lost. Quite a lot of times sad, but at the end of each post I feel that I know what I should do next and to solve the situation.

Even though I had one of my crazy weeks since I'm in Norway, but I felt so alive and I started to see my life in front of my eyes.

I realized that the past is the past, the memories are the ones that I keep close, but in the same time I move on with my life.

I think I'm quite crazy because I keep having this feelings that I'm not balanced with my life and I really try.

It's nice to enjoy a small acomplishment and I think that this week, even though was a crazy one, I had a better balance that I used to have in this kind of situations before.

My life is different now, with different people and with a different future. Never see myself coming back home,but traveling for the next years and giving myself the balance that I need.

No lies, no fear, no fooling myself or the others and more trust in myself. That should be it.

I know that when I will stop writing on this blog, most probably all this things I achieved.:) Soon:)

Life is crap sometimes. Then I go to sleep.

Well, there are those fucking crazy moments when you believe that everything is upside down and nothing is going right.

Usually when this happen, I like to go to sleep even though I'm not actually doing that. Why?

Because I always thought that after I sleep all the problems and crazy stuff go away and things come back to normal and it's a new day with new problems;)

The surprise was actually when I discovered that even though I went to sleep, the problems come back. Silly me, I always know that but probably I'm the person that hopes that the end will be exactly how it should be. Disappointing when this is not actually true.

Sometime I consider myself as a naive person. Well, I actually am. Or probably not realistic when it's needed and loose myself in thoughts and people.

Since I'm in Norway I start to analyze myself quite a lot and my experiences in the past year. Quite a surprise when I actually realized that I changed! The thing is that now I'm in the process of analyzing whether it's good or bad. Or just normal.

So things that I should promise myself to do, because I get lost in all the problems and responsibilities and forget about me. Shit, it happens so often.

so: 1 . trust myself..i usually trust myself in things that i have experience in..but not good, this should change. and starting with now, it will change.
2. read - an objective that stays for quite some time in my mind and feel that i don't do any progress at all. well, starting with now it will change.
3. finish what you started. i have this crazy fear that usually if i don't start something on time i'm not able to do it anymore perfect. bullshit. not true. so this fear should go away.
4. let things come naturally - force it when it's not working it's not a good strategy to get what you wish. if you try, and you try and you try and still things don't work, let them go.
5. get to know new people and keep in contact with dear friends. that's simple. talk with new people and don't forget about your friends that are in this big world.
6. be curios.

kind of a lot...6 things on the list is hard to focus on because there are too many.

but, in the end this is something that for sure will make me better tomorrow than today.

so, this time I'll not go to sleep but I'll see things from outside of the circle.

Raluca

What you really need...

Sometimes you realize that there is something missing through out your chaotic life. But in the end is the moment that counts. Perfect moment, perfect persons and the final piece of the puzzle completes the middle of the entire picture. It's there somewhere, but usually comes at the right moment. Probably it's not right now. But make sure that it will not pass you by.

Until then my words are lost in lyrics...

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and cannot remain silent”

Raluca

in my own hands

My heart is in another place right now. In Oslo.:)Writing this lines at my laptop in my new apartment.

Usually things that happen to us can be put in so few words or in numbers.

My life in numbers:

3 & 1/2

365

1

4

45

2

For 3 weeks and a half I've been in Oslo and left my Bucharest and my romanian life. For something challenging and different. To become a better person in what I do, to define myself, to define my direction, my path.

My life in the past 3 weeks is completely different than I expected. In a better way actually. I feel safe here, I feel more courageous, I feel more independent and different. In the same time, I miss my dear friends and my life back home. Even though it's been so few weeks I feel that is quite far away. And I'm afraid to loose what i had before, I'm afraid to get lost in this chaotic life that i choose to have. Because in the end it's only me with myself, and I afraid not to lose me from myself.

For 365 days i will be in Norway, Oslo for AIESEC in Norway. Simple as that. 365 from my life will be in a different world, with different people, with a complete different experience.

1 AIESEC in Norway, that I strive for, to make it better and successful.

4 great people that i met and today i realized that i work with them, spend my time with them and live together. That's a bit strange for me, because the persons that i share my life with are so few and not even them know me so well, because i don't let people to get to know me so well. I'm quite curios how is it going to be this year. Actually i'm quite confident. I feel so good with all of them because we work good together, we have fun together , we help each other and we are becoming friends, not only colleague from work.

45 B is the number of street of my new apartment, where I learn how to live on my own, to have my life in my own hands and to discipline myself and my life.

2 person that i really miss. My mom that is waiting home and my dad that is somewhere next to me:)

My great friends from home that are spreading their wings and choosing their path in their life. Sometimes I feel that we grow up so fast that we don't have time to enjoy the things around us and we go into the real life and things are changing and will never be the same again.

Mixed feelings in my heart and hard to define myself right now. But I'm on the right track. :)

Now i'm going to watch some movie with my friends.

Raluca

8 zile pentru 365

Jur ca ma simt atat de ciudat zilele astea...le numar in fiecare zi. Si ma gandesc daca am luat cea mai buna decizie. Desi in adancul sufletului eu stiu ca e cea mai buna, desi doare atat de tare.

Si de cateva zile dorm atat de greu, si ma gandesc la atatea lucruri si incerc sa cuprind totul din jurul meu. Si ma gandesc ce ar fi daca. Stiu ca nu e bine. Dar asta simt. Si simt ca las atat de multe lucruri aici, si ca plec atat de departe. Intr-un loc complet necunoscut, in fata mea cu cele mai necunoscute lucruri dar cu acele certitudini pe care acum le am, care, s-ar putea, peste un an sa nu mai fie aici.

Deja imi e dor. Si vreau sa opresc timpul in loc. Sa pastrez lucrurile alea frumoase, sa imi simt prietenii aproape. Sa fiu cu sufletul si cu inima aici.

Imi e asa de frica. Imi e frica sa uit de cele doua lucruri pe care mi le doream din suflet sa nu le pierd: prietenii mei( pe care i-am tot neglijat in ultimii ani, si in ultimele luni am incercat sa recuperez) si faptul ca vreau sa ma indragostesc. De ce as vrea asta? Dar este unul din lucrurile pe care le-am pierdut din vedere de-a lungul anilor care au trecut si nu as vrea sa fac asta si anul urmator. Desi ma las dusa de val, sa vad ce se poate intampla.

Dar astea sunt doua lucruri pe care mi le doream sa nu le pierd in anul urmator. Si atunci, de ce simt ca le pierd?

E asa de greu de crezut ca plec pentru un an de aici.

Este destul de multa ceata in fata, si nu stiu exact unde ma indrept. Ma pierd si simt ca ceva se pierde din mine. Si totusi neg realitatea. Si ma tin strans de radacini, nu vreau sa le dau drumul. Si ma caut. Sa ma regasesc pe mine. Sunt intr-o zona de insecuritate acum. O simt de cateva zile. pana acum o saptamana nu era asa.

Oare ce va fi? Uneori imi doresc sa vad asta macar pentru o secunda...

Dar orice ar fi, eu stiu ca asa e cel mai bine. Simt ca e cea mai buna decizie. Oare?

"I don't believe in love but I want to be there when it happens." Written on Motoare somewhere lost on a wall. If you see it let me know:)

That's it. Simple and concrete.

Raluca